Rintihan Si Tangga

aku benci semua
kerana aku benci sekelompok

aku sering tertanya diri
patutkah aku menghirau
nasib engkau
yang aku tidak kenal
yang aku tidak kisah
seorang lagi mangsa
gerakan anti-sosial aku kini

aku benci semua
kerana kawan aku pula
bercerita sedih
“aku manusia baik
kenapa masih ada membenci?”
aku mengangguk faham
tuntas,
aku benci semua

aku benci semua
kerana aku hanya bermesra
dengan tunggul-tunggul kayu
yang mempunyai senyuman
lukisan semata-mata
perhiasan sahaja
lukis bila perlu
padam bila perlu

mahukah aku ambil pisau
dan ukir tepat
senyuman itu?
biar mudah
biar padah

nyah, engkau
lari berkeliaran, engkau

aku hanya suatu tangga
yang dipijak henyak
untuk mencapai
cita-cita mu
yang tak mungkin tercapai


Written in April 2009, Kajang.

Oh you know, teen angst. Funnily enough, I checked the date and realised I wrote this a day after my birthday. Honestly, what happened to warrant such a depressing poem right after my birthday? Even more puzzling, I wrote this in reference to the poem: “To my friend, who called me yesterday and experienced a mishap involving a refrigerator, you somewhat inspired this piece“. Can’t recall the friend nor the unfortunate event with the fridge but I can assure you, this poem has nothing to do with fridges.

The Anatomy

have you seen my scars?
they’ve escaped underneath my dermis
entrenched deeper than
cakes of fat
more so hidden
than the whiteness
of my bones

untwine this seamless
terrain of my chest
pry these cages
apart
(hear them tweak
with every milimetre
while leaving splinters)

there, can you see them?
minute and prude
playfully resisting sight
shamefully defiant
shallow lines
that speaks volumes

appearing and disappearing
among the veins
and arteries
they beat
beat
beat
beat

a just reminder
of what
a beast
you truly are


Written in September 2008, Kajang.

Did I ever tell you I was an angry kid? Yeah.

Ranap

aku bertanya
tulisan buruk,
kertas lunyai,
pensel tumpul,
bolehkah kau
membawa aku
keluar berdiri
di alam nyata

perlukah
aku bertulis
sehingga
jari-jemariku
ranap
di bawah
dunia yang terpinggir
di sudut
kepala ini

kata-kata

itu

hiasan

murah

ayuh bergegas!
bisik mulut ini
dabik dada ini

tetapi

aku
masih
termangu
terduduk

berpuisi kepada
dunia yang sepi
bersyair kepada
pendengar yang buta
mendakap rapat kepada
kesunyian yang likat

bawalah aku jauh
aku tidak mahu pulang

bawalah aku jauh

aku tidak mahu.


I wrote this in 2010. I’m sorry for the non-Malay speakers! When I wrote this poem, I was already jaded with poetry as a medium. I don’t think it transmutes thought as well as long-form written works. Sometime after this poem, I gave up writing on poetry completely.

Truly Yours, Ophelia

my name is ophelia
i swim in the river
but my pessimism
grabs me by the ankles

my eyes are broken
slivers slice through
my eyelashes
every man i see now
is my hamlet
you have to understand
my eyes were clear cut
diamonds
now they’re glass
ice glass
my tears dissolve them

grapple in your blindness, ophelia
gather the waves
clamber into them
you are swaying but
trust, it is your bed
sleep now
finally

insanity is our
professed love

our madness
frozen
like my river bed


Written in Gombak, 2009.

Like A Thief

they always leave.
they always leave.
wipe the mat clean.
it says welcome.
but no one ever said you can do that
to your heart.
wipe it clean and accept another stranger.
i’d torch the house down.
for you, always for you.

because i don’t know how
to live in this empty place
watch you leave
like a thief
silent and gentle
just as you did to me
crumple me
between your fingers
like a plan gone wrong
blueprint fucked up
torch me
leave

thief,
i had never been yours.
thief,
i was never yours to keep.


Written in Gombak, 2009.

Abdullah

I thank You

that I could still
be moved by
happiness
even in slight

that I could still
be surprised
within the bleakness
that I’ve built
of my life

that my tears
are evidence
of emotions felt

I thank You
for all the ingratitude
for all my ignorance
You have never left

I have left You
I have shunned You
I have
in my own
self-righteous escape
not once to think
You are everywhere

I am Your miracle

I am always running back to You
because none of their love
is as immortal as Yours
in blindness
I’ve searched for You
Your mercy
when all I had to do was
lay my wary head
to the ground
to feel the world
underneath my clasped eyelids

I face the ground
in hopes
of hope

I face the ground
in faith
of faith

I face the ground
in reminder
of reminders

forgive me
forgive me
I have forsaken You
in all the years
of ingratitude and betrayal
as limitless as Your Power
I lay my wary head
to the ground

for
I am null
I am void
without You


 Written in Kajang, 2009. “Abdullah” in Arabic means “Servant of God”. I had always wanted to write a poem about Islam. I was a much religious person then and I still feel pangs of it. I still consider myself as a Muslim but much less conservative now than I was.  I can’t write about the religion again because I don’t want to come off as a hypocrite. It’s a personal struggle, isn’t it?

Words

three little words
just three?
how small, how minute
encompassing, enough
but who needs now
when you can have forever?

i could
dedicate epic poems for you
as long as the constant heartbeat
of you
to you

and they will read on
until my voice has fled
continued by my quivering fingers
because these words will not rest
will not be shortchanged
for something minute

dearest, pray tell
what won’t i do
for you

my hands will forever be covered in ink
with my heart full and brimmed
to the last sigh of my breath

what won’t i do
always always always
for you.


Written in 2009.