Ranap

aku bertanya
tulisan buruk,
kertas lunyai,
pensel tumpul,
bolehkah kau
membawa aku
keluar berdiri
di alam nyata

perlukah
aku bertulis
sehingga
jari-jemariku
ranap
di bawah
dunia yang terpinggir
di sudut
kepala ini

kata-kata

itu

hiasan

murah

ayuh bergegas!
bisik mulut ini
dabik dada ini

tetapi

aku
masih
termangu
terduduk

berpuisi kepada
dunia yang sepi
bersyair kepada
pendengar yang buta
mendakap rapat kepada
kesunyian yang likat

bawalah aku jauh
aku tidak mahu pulang

bawalah aku jauh

aku tidak mahu.


I wrote this in 2010. I’m sorry for the non-Malay speakers! When I wrote this poem, I was already jaded with poetry as a medium. I don’t think it transmutes thought as well as long-form written works. Sometime after this poem, I gave up writing on poetry completely.

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Truly Yours, Ophelia

my name is ophelia
i swim in the river
but my pessimism
grabs me by the ankles

my eyes are broken
slivers slice through
my eyelashes
every man i see now
is my hamlet
you have to understand
my eyes were clear cut
diamonds
now they’re glass
ice glass
my tears dissolve them

grapple in your blindness, ophelia
gather the waves
clamber into them
you are swaying but
trust, it is your bed
sleep now
finally

insanity is our
professed love

our madness
frozen
like my river bed


Written in Gombak, 2009.

Like A Thief

they always leave.
they always leave.
wipe the mat clean.
it says welcome.
but no one ever said you can do that
to your heart.
wipe it clean and accept another stranger.
i’d torch the house down.
for you, always for you.

because i don’t know how
to live in this empty place
watch you leave
like a thief
silent and gentle
just as you did to me
crumple me
between your fingers
like a plan gone wrong
blueprint fucked up
torch me
leave

thief,
i had never been yours.
thief,
i was never yours to keep.


Written in Gombak, 2009.

Abdullah

I thank You

that I could still
be moved by
happiness
even in slight

that I could still
be surprised
within the bleakness
that I’ve built
of my life

that my tears
are evidence
of emotions felt

I thank You
for all the ingratitude
for all my ignorance
You have never left

I have left You
I have shunned You
I have
in my own
self-righteous escape
not once to think
You are everywhere

I am Your miracle

I am always running back to You
because none of their love
is as immortal as Yours
in blindness
I’ve searched for You
Your mercy
when all I had to do was
lay my wary head
to the ground
to feel the world
underneath my clasped eyelids

I face the ground
in hopes
of hope

I face the ground
in faith
of faith

I face the ground
in reminder
of reminders

forgive me
forgive me
I have forsaken You
in all the years
of ingratitude and betrayal
as limitless as Your Power
I lay my wary head
to the ground

for
I am null
I am void
without You


 Written in Kajang, 2009. “Abdullah” in Arabic means “Servant of God”. I had always wanted to write a poem about Islam. I was a much religious person then and I still feel pangs of it. I still consider myself as a Muslim but much less conservative now than I was.  I can’t write about the religion again because I don’t want to come off as a hypocrite. It’s a personal struggle, isn’t it?

Words

three little words
just three?
how small, how minute
encompassing, enough
but who needs now
when you can have forever?

i could
dedicate epic poems for you
as long as the constant heartbeat
of you
to you

and they will read on
until my voice has fled
continued by my quivering fingers
because these words will not rest
will not be shortchanged
for something minute

dearest, pray tell
what won’t i do
for you

my hands will forever be covered in ink
with my heart full and brimmed
to the last sigh of my breath

what won’t i do
always always always
for you.


Written in 2009.

Careless

you taught me a lesson in bitterness
decided to gamble on my fate
my youth made me simple
i was your best student
i wrote all your speeches
slept on your words

you taught me
how to anticipate
how easy
to detect another liar
in the face of a lie

you formed a monster
and pretended otherwise

i despised the bond we share
over the past best forgotten
how my memory tugs
at your name

even in hatred
i belong to you
like an invisible
cord
attached
beyond my eyesight
beyond my grasp

i belong to you
because you made me beautiful
in my vulnerability
my insides
as fragile as cobwebs
breath and they’ll spurn
out of control

you made me beautiful
but you refuse
to claim me
i am
denied

i am unfinished
but you are
simply
careless.


 

Work not dated but it’s possibly from 2010.

Blood Sisters

we both stared at it
none of us willing to touch
a crime of murder has been committed here
there, breathing and heaving
a vomit of blood on the floor
in the shape of exploding stars

the metallic smell gave off by a dying being
its body a mangled mess

heave gasp shriek

it’s heaving so hard its skin is pulled back from its face
such a mess from such a beautiful thing
i said,
you’ve killed it, you bloody killed it!
you said,
you did, i only stared

the gun is in my hands but the splatters of blood is on both of our faces

suddenly, i am licking blood off my teeth. suddenly, i am on the floor, clawing the red red dirt for a hold. suddenly, i’m choking on my own blood. i heaved i gasped i shrieked

oh god

oh god, save me
somebody save me
a torrent of red rushed through my lips
death commencing in ten seconds
i plead at you

please, please save me, i heaved
save me, i gasped
the gun is now in your hands.
i shrieked, why aren’t you doing anything

why aren’t you doing anything
you just stared
redness is blossoming on your front
redder than anything i’ve seen
i can smell metal off you

are you dying too?

your bones crack when your knees plummet to the floor
you lay your head down next to me like you’re going to sleep
you look the same like you’re alive
i gurgled your name

with my saccharine saccharine blood sloshing up my pipes, i could just gurgle

even in death, you just stare. you’re so good at staring.


Written in Kajang, 2007. There’s something interesting about looking at old works. You can see where you evolved. This was one of the first poems I’ve written and it’s obviously influenced by my fascination with shock and Chuck Palahniuk. Heck, the line “death commencing in ten seconds” is directly from Fight Club. I can’t write like this anymore because I can’t be this angry anymore.