I thank You

that I could still
be moved by
even in slight

that I could still
be surprised
within the bleakness
that I’ve built
of my life

that my tears
are evidence
of emotions felt

I thank You
for all the ingratitude
for all my ignorance
You have never left

I have left You
I have shunned You
I have
in my own
self-righteous escape
not once to think
You are everywhere

I am Your miracle

I am always running back to You
because none of their love
is as immortal as Yours
in blindness
I’ve searched for You
Your mercy
when all I had to do was
lay my wary head
to the ground
to feel the world
underneath my clasped eyelids

I face the ground
in hopes
of hope

I face the ground
in faith
of faith

I face the ground
in reminder
of reminders

forgive me
forgive me
I have forsaken You
in all the years
of ingratitude and betrayal
as limitless as Your Power
I lay my wary head
to the ground

I am null
I am void
without You

 Written in Kajang, 2009. “Abdullah” in Arabic means “Servant of God”. I had always wanted to write a poem about Islam. I was a much religious person then and I still feel pangs of it. I still consider myself as a Muslim but much less conservative now than I was.  I can’t write about the religion again because I don’t want to come off as a hypocrite. It’s a personal struggle, isn’t it?


3 thoughts on “Abdullah

  1. I’m exactly the same. I can never write to Allah swt without feeling guilty, though.

    Beautifully written. Absolute surrender is the most peaceful thing on earth. I wonder how we forget how truly peaceful it feels, every time we drift away.

    • Thank you for this. It makes me feel great that someone can relate to it as I do. I think when we discuss about something personal, something that is bigger than ourselves, we get sort of scared. Like we’re not “good” enough to give an opinion about it. But this poem is really about that, the fear and the habit to go astray from time to time. 🙂

      • Exactly. That’s what I think too. Personally I could never ‘tell’ people what to do, especially when it comes to religion, when I know I have so much work to do on myself first. And we do go astray, so easily. :-/

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