It’s personal

You know what they say: if you want something different to happen to you, you need to do something differently. Chase after your dreams and all that jazz. What’s hardly been pointed out is how hard it is.

It’s almost crippling.

These past few weeks have been dedicated solely to my pursuit for a Master’s degree in UK. I’ve spent many days handling documents, emailing and meeting people and writing essays. And through all that, I was on “cruise” mode. I didn’t want to think. The minute I think about it, I start to feel. And before I know it, I go through the 7 stages of grief in a single hour. Rinse and repeat. So, I’ve been avoiding connecting the process with any form of emotion, not even hope. It’s too easy to slip from hopefulness to bitterness. It just happens.

But I needed to write my personal statement and, as it goes, it’s personal.

And just like that, I’m paralysed with doubt. I am suddenly incredibly exhausted about the entire process. I feel like taking a break. At this point, my application is 80% done. I just need to wait for a reference from one of my referees and complete my personal statement. My damn personal statement. Every time I reread a paragraph, I become more convinced that I’m the most ordinary human to ever want something.

I’m not always like this, I usually do not have a bad self-image of myself. But how do you tell yourself you’re capable of something which you were denied of just a year ago? Part of me believe that I’m a much smarter person now, more level-headed and matured by experience. Then, I read my personal statement and it reads somewhat similar to the previous one I wrote last year… Have I changed enough? Is it ever enough?

I know I told myself I wasn’t going to wallow. That’s one of my 2014 resolutions, really. But I’m going give myself a pass just this once. There’s really no point in trying to shove something aside, when it constantly pops up in your mind anyways.

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